#Losing my mind free

I can move freely and instinctively, my entire body is responsive. I no longer feel intensely irritated with an explosive temper.

#Losing my mind free

My mind is free of intrusive thoughts and I can perceive time passing normally. I feel at peace and comfortable around people. I see my environment with logic and reasoning, feeling safe and less frightened. I now have a past! Memories of old friends, schools, family, sights, smells and sounds have all come flooding back. I feel connected to my environment and myself. My brain and body have come back to life I can sense, feel and experience things in a different way. In past months I have had many physiological and psychological changes taking place within my body. I described my experience soon after my moment of realisation as feeling like ‘Pinocchio who has turned into a real boy’. Since then, my mind, body and world have changed beyond belief and I have had the most incredible, surreal though sometimes unsettling experiences. My mind could now recognise this, helping me to rationalise the events and release the emotions attached to them. The therapy had helped me to realise that my previous traumatic experiences were making me feel extremely stressed and traumatised. The emotion got stronger and stronger until I felt a huge release of stress. Suddenly though, I started having thoughts of events in my past and felt strong emotions behind my crying. It lasted for a long time and felt horrific. I contemplated taking my own life and wept and wept. I couldn’t really tell if the therapy was working. My therapist told me that “no one can tell you how you feel.” These treatments allowed me to look back over my memories and identify traumatic events. They used talking therapy and something called EMDR (Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) to help with me with my anxiety. I’d had enough of feeling alone and scared and I finally saw a therapist. I would always be in silence around people or complain about having no thoughts or opinions about anything. A great source of anxiety was my inability to talk to others.

To help control them I listened to music. I suffered from intrusive thoughts, a lot of them suicidal. One evening, whilst using a hot oven, I felt a light tingling sensation on my finger and I looked and saw that the oven shelf was lodged deep in my finger. My state of numbness reached such a level that I had a raised pain threshold. I also had a distorted perception of time, and blank spells. I was highly irritable and lost my temper very easily. I had tunnel vision and things I saw could become distorted and change shape and size. I was paranoid, always feeling that everyone was watching me. I couldn’t understand and interpret other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions. I felt frightened of just about everything. I couldn’t remember my past I had no self-identity and felt no connection to anybody or anything that surrounded me. I had numbed senses, everything was lost, and nothing felt familiar. I didn’t react much to anything happening around me. Any emotions I did feel just disappeared in an instant. In the years I suffered from dissociative disorder, I felt emotionally numb.